No thanks, hot yoga

Downward-Facing Dog

Couch- Friendly Downward-Facing Dog

So yesterday one of my friends asked me if I wanted to accompany him to his hot yoga class. I thought sure, why not, I’ve never done yoga before and it seemed like a welcomed break to my routine. MaKenzie had done hot yoga once before and had gotten a great work out, so I was excited to try it out. Needless to say, it was an interesting experience to say the least.

The first site to greet us when we walked in the doors for the class was a middle-aged man doing bridges (think: ultimate hip thrust) in a much-too-tight speedo. If you don’t know what a bridge is click here. I can’t think of a way to explain it and I think the picture is worth a thousand words (especially when you picture some guy doing this pose in a speedo). The awkwardness was like a Thigh Master commercial times one hundred. I tried hard not to judge him, but I couldn’t help but wonder why he was completely OK with elevating his penis so that it was the center of focus for the entire room.

After I settled down and got my head centered around something besides the speedo, the class began. I enjoyed the first 20 minutes as I could do most of the poses and although it was hard I seemed to be doing alright. Then it seemed like the instructor really amped up the heat and the difficulty of the session. I started finding myself not being able to do most of the poses, which I was fine with, until I looked directly in front of me and saw a 50 year old woman doing every single pose to perfection. Sweet. Ironically enough, this got me feeling a little competitive… I thought I may not be as flexible but, hey, I can at least try and complete each exercise. Well, the joke was on me. With over 30 minutes left I found myself laying on my back. Giving up is an understatement. My muscles were tired and I felt like at any moment I was going to freak out because of how hot I was. At the end of the session, I basically sprinted out and drank as much water as I could with out throwing up. Before hot yoga I thought I was in pretty good shape but it turns out flexibility isn’t a strong point of mine.

Later that night I had to go play in my rec league basketball game. I won’t go into details about the game but al-in-all I sucked… bad. I was basically just trying to make it through the game. My whole body felt like a limp noodle. Top five things I learned from yesterday’s experiences:

  1. I will never do hot yoga again if I have to do ANYTHING else that day. (This includes anything that doesn’t involve sitting on the couch)
  2. I’m getting older and my body doesn’t like to be abused in a flexible fashion.
  3. If I ever do hot yoga again, I will bring 7 jugs of water.
  4. I use to be OK at basketball but now I just get by on the fact that I’m 6’5″. Where did all my skills go? Seriously. I’m old.
  5. I’m not flexible at all. I don’t want to be flexible. I don’t want to put in any work to become more flexible. I hate flexible-ness.

Small plus side, I burned enough calories yesterday to last me a few months. I think I’m done working out for the week.

Spent,
Ross

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